Restoration of Yourself and Your Relationship

How Do I Assess My Progress on this Journey?

Finding out that your spouse has a sexual addiction can shatter your sense of reality because you didn’t have a clue that he could betray you in this way. As you work with a certified partner therapist or coach, you begin to deal with the betrayal and your own sense of reality. You recognize that you were not at fault for his indiscretions whether it be pornography, infidelity, strip clubs, prostitutes or other types of sexual addiction,

As partners get healthier, they start owning their power and when their husband slips or reverts back to old behavior it does not send them back to the feelings of the “discovery,” instead they are able to identify how they feel and what boundaries need to occur. They examine the situation and they don’t revert to back to the default mode of extreme betrayal and powerlessness. Instead they say to the addict “I can’t trust you at all.” They may say “I want you to empathize with how I feel right now after seeing an unknown text come up on your phone.” Partners may assert themselves by saying “You have not spent much time with in our relationship and I need you to pay more attention to me,” or “I need to be able to share my concerns with you without you huddling in a fetal position because you think I’m criticizing you.”

One of the ways that you know that you are growing personally and with confidence is you recognize your own strengths and you’re able to write them down.

That might look like:

  • I am able to relax and spend time with my girlfriends and not worry about what he’s doing.
  • I’m able to enjoy my children and feel that sense of family.
  • I’m able to communicate with my husband.
  • I’m able to show my anger and feel respect for my actions.
  • I’m able to assert myself and share what my needs are in this relationship.
  • I’m able to exercise and not want to kick the holy bejeebies out of you.
  • I’m able to have an anniversary and feel like we’re working towards something again.

When you do that, when you notice your strengths and you notice what is good in the relationship, you’re on your way to the new normal. You deserve that for yourself. You’ve been in this game; you’ve been fighting for this coupleship. It is absolutely time to relax and feel the joy.

And doesn’t he deserve it? I know, you may still be in that spot where you say to yourself, “I don’t think he deserves anything, he’s hurt me so badly.” But what I absolutely know about your relationship is that there should be positive emotional deposits in that love tank for the relationship to truly get healthier. If he has worked HARD on his recovery and you have seen dramatic changes, it is so important for you to work on the relationship by noticing the progress, not looking for perfection, and by being able to comment on it but to feel secure by it.

Look for a trained therapist and coach who understands trauma; we want the best for you and if you can no longer tolerate the relationship, we will help you access a healthy place even if that means a therapeutic separation or divorce. But with many of our clients, they are able to work through the trauma, they get stronger, and they rebuild their relationship.

It can be a long process. To trust him and to trust yourself is a scary proposition, but it works if both you and your husband want it and work it, so make sure to notice the positives. When you notice the positives in every aspect of your life, in your children’s lives, in your community, at your work, with your spouse; when you look at what’s working as opposed to what isn’t, you’ll be happier, you’ll be healthier, and you’ll create the life you deserve.